THE NIGHT BEFORE GIFTMAS
A heartwarming holiday poem by Jonathan Van Gieson

'Twas the night before Christmas — afternoon (near enough),
Yet I still lacked two gifts: Amazon, Where's My Stuff?

I ordered ten days ago, plenty of time
For the Amazon Free Super Shipping Deadline

They mailed portions separate to "give quicker service"
But as Christmas approached, I began to get nervous

One package… two package… three package… four
In dribs and in drabs they arrived at my door

But one shipment (2 items) was cause for concern
And not without reason, I was soon to learn

"Track your recent orders": the news was the worst
Still in the warehouse! On the twenty-first!

Can it possibly get here in time? No, it ca'int!
So I fired up the keyboard to pen a complaint

If you're looking to buy, Amazon is the best,
But just try to track down a contact address!

I was zeroing in, I could feel it grow near
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear

The Entourage icon in my Dock bounced and flipped!
An email from Amazon: "Your order has shipped"

"That's all well and good," I said (well, I whined),
"But is two days enough to get here from Des Moines?"

"Will it make it in time?" I asked myself, miffed,
"Or will it arrive late, as a Chanukah gift?"

Now 'twas Christmas Eve Eve when I sat (with the wife)
On the sofa to watch It's A Wonderful Life

I had chewed my nails bare — if not, I would bite 'em;
I was still waiting for that one shipment (2 items)

I was far too distracted to root for George Bailey
Because 2nd Day Air just delivers week-daily

Twelve hours later, my mood was not light;
Noon Christmas Eve day, but no package in sight!

The wife, making sauce, in the kitchen did cook
While I looked up the status on my PowerBook

Would it finally come? I was feeling unlucky
When I checked in last night, it was still in Kentucky,

When I clicked "Track Your Package," I came over all shivery,
According to them, it was "Out For Delivery!"

To make time pass faster, I opened iTunes
And bought Holiday songs by Dean Martin, who croons

Still in my pajamas, I was caught unawares
By the anemic "ding-doink!" of the doorbell, downstairs!

I sprang from my chair and threw down my equipment
Then dashed down two flights to go sign for the shipment

I peeked through the window,: an ugly brown vest!
I knew in a moment that 'twas UPS!

Neither chubby nor plump, far too tall for an elf
Still, I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself

He had cardboard parcels, instead of a sack
This particular Santa was young, bald, and black

I dashed my John Hancock, he gave me a box
A thrill ran from my skull to the tips of my socks

I tore off the tape, and found therein packed
The very (2 items) I sorely had lacked!

For me — though not Santa — Most joyous of meetings!
He grunted and left when I said "Season's Greetings!"

But I'm sure that he thought, as he walked out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

(I should surely have known I had nothing to fear
For the very same incident happened last year.)


© 2005 JVG